On letting our "fears" show us the way...into the uncharted domains of our hearts.

There are times, before launching the kayaks, 

we stand on the shore and ask ourselves, 

"Should we 'follow' our fears...or stay home?"

(Having done an appropriate "risk assessment", of course.)

As a small boy, I was rather shy, even timid at times. I was also short, wore glasses, had freckles and curly hair, and was usually the last person chosen to be on any team, whether it be road hockey or schoolyard soccer. I got homesick at my first cub camp and wanted nothing more than to go home. I did suck it up by day 4 - but only for the sake of appearances. (I had some pride after all!) Given all this, I'm thankful to have had the parents I did. My father always seemed completely fearless - there was nothing, it seemed, he wouldn't dare to do or try. He had a great life, full of adventure. I can never imagine him ever saying, "I should have." - he did it all. My mother was quietly the same way. Growing up, I remember her words of encouragement on countless occasions, "Duncan, if you don't try, you'll never know." She was so right.

Their example taught me one of life's most important lessons - that we need to follow our fears. I could never put this idea into words until a few days ago.  I just finished reading Yossi Ghinsberg's moving account of his survival, against all odds, in the Amazon rainforest of Bolivia. It's a startling, raw, and graphic account of survival in unthinkable conditions. Having survived the impossible harshness of an agonizing three weeks, Ghinsberg ended his book, Lost in the Jungle: A Harrowing True Story of Survival, with these gentle words:

"May you find the courage to walk your own path. May you dare to venture into the uncharted domains of your own heart. Here is my advice to you, the adventurers - fear will show you the way, walk steadily toward it. Have trust and faith to guide you like a torch piercing darkness. Do not believe or do not deny, but find out for yourself - for there is no truth but the one you have earned in your own experience."

I get goose bumps when I read and re-read those words. Usually we talk about facing our fears - but following our fears is so very different. If we simply face our fears, we can decide that they are too formidable and back away from them. That's too easy. The problem with this approach is that we will never know if we have missed out on something essential that is life-giving and life-enriching. If we follow our fears, however, if we allow our fears to show us the way, we dare to go where we can confront their source and their true nature. Most often, the things we fear in life can have a ferocious bark, but rarely much real bite.

I was thinking this morning about my father's example and my mother's counsel, "If you don't try, you'll never know." Our first summer internship many years ago could have been in Toronto - it would have been safe and familiar. We had a sense, however, we should follow our fears of the unknown which would mean cutting the umbilical cord to the university and home and everything we knew. We were sent to a remote little community in Fortune Bay, in Newfoundland. We could have had the comfort of the familiar. Instead, we discovered the warmth and charm of wonderful people, indescribable natural beauty, a deeply enriching experience...and an "adventure" we'll never forget.

We didn't know where this steep, rocky trail in the Highlands was leading.
We questioned going on... but it was a great adventure.

For years, I desperately wanted to learn to fly but there was always the nagging fear of the mandatory and dreaded "spin recovery" and then the first solo, followed by the cross-country solo. What if I couldn't do it? What if it didn't go well? "If you don't try, you'll never know." Well, it went well and I enjoyed several years of living a dream - and no one ever got hurt. :)

We have loved everywhere we have ever lived, in both civilian moves and military postings. But every time we moved, there was the nagging worry that we might be making a mistake.To move always meant leaving people we cared for and places that had become "home", in every way. Despite this, there has always been the irresistible call, as Yossi Ghinsberg describes, to venture into the uncharted domains of our hearts. After the usual agonizing, we always allowed our fears "to show us the way", and over the years, have discovered that it was the right thing to do - even if the charted domains of our hearts felt a deep sadness about those we would miss so very much.

I must admit, while deeply thankful for the present moment, we always seem to feel that irresistible call to venture into those uncharted domains - and to find the courage to allow our fears to continue to show us the way. It is always easier not to "launch" and to stay on the shore. The waves, the wind, and the currents can be so unpredictable and so contrary. And the shoreline is very beautiful, rich in diversity, and offers much comfort. The counsel, however, a loving mother frequently gave to her shy, freckled and bespectacled, little boy, keeps coming to mind. "If you don't try, you'll never know." I suppose I just need to know.


One lifetime doesn't quite seem enough, does it? :)

Duncan.


Top image: Gabriola Island, looking out to Entrance Island lighthouse.
Second image: Angus, Scotland and a hike in the Glens.